For some people, this world will always be a dark and scary place.

Not because we want it to be. But because we’ve seen too many dark and scary things to ever believe otherwise.

I wanna be clear from the beginning — I don’t think all the people in the world are dark and scary. And, if the earth itself does possess some kind of spirit (which I think it does), I think the earth is good.

I think when God created the world, He made it good.

But somehow, in between the Devil showing up in the Garden of Eden, and Adam and Eve becoming fallen, this world got twisted, and “dark and scary” became a permanent part of the landscape.

Like, it’s just been there, you know? All this time.

We didn’t create it. We don’t control it. I don’t think it’s native to us, as spirits.

I could be wrong though — after all, the Devil and all his demons are spirit. And they’re literally evil personified…

But still the question persists in my mind: did they start out that way? Or did they allow themselves to be seduced by the darkness, and slowly become evil, over eons and eons?

I don’t know.

I don’t think any of us humans are born evil, though. I think every one of us starts out good.

I think as we grow, we’re enticed by both good and evil (light and darkness), and I do believe that ultimately, it’s our responsibility — our duty, even — to choose for ourselves, which one we will obey.

But I don’t think it’s that cut and dry, to be honest.

I think things happen in this world sometimes, that we’re not directly responsible for, that still leave a significant impact on our soul.

Like when a woman is raped. Or when a father dies early from cancer. Or when someone we care about gets killed by a drunk driver.

Or when we’re physically or verbally assaulted, betrayed, abused, neglected, ignored, forgotten…

Things happen that we don’t want, that we can’t anticipate, that we’re powerless to prevent — no matter how hard we try.

And sometimes, they flip the balance and we go dark, even when we don’t want to.

Some people get a taste for darkness and they love it. They just can’t get enough of the stuff! And they lean into it, and allow it to shape all their thoughts, words, and actions, until it consumes them.

Some people get lost in the darkness, and they don’t want it… but they don’t know the way out.

Some people don’t even know there is a way out.

Some people avoid the dark. They simply won’t tolerate it, in any way, shape or form. They live only for good and for light. Some of them refuse to touch darkness. Some few are perhaps so good, the darkness is unable to find them.

Some, though good, and filled with light, willingly walk into the darkness, to find the ones who are lost, and guide them safely out.

Some, who are also filled with light, have darkness thrust upon them, through no fault of their own. Some of these become tainted, and must fight against the darkness, or else it will consume them too.

They may not become “evil” per se… but at the very least, the darkness will prevent them from "being good.” It will, if left unchecked, drain the life force out of its victims, until they become empty shells. Images of who they once were, but never will be again…

That was what happened to me, when I got PTSD. Darkness was thrust upon me… more than I knew how to bear.

It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t my choice. I didn’t ask for it to happen. It wasn’t anything I could control.

That does make me a victim.

But it does not make me weak.

It’s not a moral failure. It’s not a reflection of my strength, or resolve, or discipline. It’s not an indication of my character.

What it is, is a tragedy.

I lived through something so traumatic, it literally rewired my brain. It made me believe that ever interaction is laden with potential danger. It made me withdraw, and isolate myself from even my closest friends and family.

It made me afraid of the world.

I lived in the darkness for a long, long time. Longer than anyone ever should.

Hell, I was in the darkness for so long, I practically swam in it.

When I came home from the war, all I knew was pain… and remorse… and such overwhelming sorrow, sadness, and regret.

I wasn’t equipped to handle it.

I didn’t know it wasn’t my fault.

I didn’t know there was anything that could be done about it.

I tried to run. I tried to hide. I tried to ignore it, and hope it would all just go away. For awhile, I thought maybe I could outrun it. Maybe, if I just focused on starting over, on building a new life, maybe I really could outrun it.

And maybe, one day, it finally would leave me alone.

Yeah, that didn’t happen.

The longer I ran, the worse it got. Eventually, I couldn’t even run anymore, and it all caught up with me, and I caved in.

I allowed the darkness to overwhelm me. Not because I wanted it to — but because I didn’t believe I could stop it. I spent 14 years alone in darkness. Every day, I had one goal, and one goal only:

Don’t. Feel. Anything.

That was my guiding principle. That was what I lived and died for (as much as I was living, anyway).

Not “overcome the darkness.” Not run from it. Not get out as fast as I can. Not fight my way through, until I’m finally clear of it, once and for all.

I completely gave into it, and I built a lifestyle intended to keep me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, numb. As close to dead as I could possibly get, without actually crossing over to the other side.

I did it because it was the only way I knew I could stay alive. Because the only thing worse than feeling nothing… was feeling everything, and not knowing how to make it all make sense.

Well, it still doesn’t all make sense.

And maybe, it never will…

But now that I am feeling these things again, here are some insights I’ve gained from my time in the darkness:

1. There is no actual shame in being a victim.

Bad things happen to each of us. And sometimes, those bad things aren’t your fault. It’s not a sin to admit that you’re struggling, or that something hurt you.

2. Some things take a long time to work through.

Some things take a year. Some things take a decade. Some things take a lifetime.

Some may not ever be fully resolved.

That’s okay. It doesn’t have anything to do with your character or your destiny. It’s just how this world is. Some of the challenges you will face will stay with you until the day you die.

You will never overcome it, outsmart it, or outgrow it — but you can get better at handling it, each time it comes around.

3. Some things require outside help.

Actually, most of what we deal with in this life, cannot be faced alone. We need other people to help us through this life.

You need friends, family, mentors, guides, partners, allies, therapists, helpers, advisors… you need them all, or you’re setting yourself up for major discomfort.

You’re not supposed to go through this life alone! That was never part of the plan.

4. Parts of this life really hurt.

It’s easy to get twisted by it. It’s easy to give into the pain, and allow it to shape your actions.

Don’t. (But if you do — and we all do, sometimes — ask for help, immediately.)

We all give in, sometimes… so give yourself grace, and permission to make mistakes, and to occasionally get things wrong. It doesn’t mean you’re failing; in fact, it means you’re learning. And that’s a good thing.

5. Your thoughts and feelings are not meant to be controlled.

They’re meant to be experienced and understood.

Observed… if you will.

You can’t prevent a thought or feeling from occurring. You can choose which ones to keep, which ones to follow, and which ones to disregard. But you can’t stop them from coming around. Thoughts and feelings just do what they will.

That said, you absolutely can (and should) learn to weed some out, over time, and to put some new ones in.

But an occasional crazy thought doesn’t make you a crazy person. And it’s not something to be ashamed or afraid of. It happens to all of us.

Every single person you know battles unwanted thoughts and feelings.

Every. Single. One.

You’re no exception.

But that doesn’t mean you have to allow them to control your life, either. You can choose which ones to listen to, with practice and with radical self-love.

6. It’s not good to be too rigid — or too open.

When you get stuck in a fixed mindset, it becomes increasingly difficult to change your behavior when you need to. And in order to grow, we all need to be able to change.

But if you try to change everything at once, you'll overwhelm yourself and miss the lessons each challenge is trying to teach you.

Balance is the key. Pay attention, and learn when to have a fixed, rigid mindset, and when to be open to new growth, and new opportunities to learn.

7. Darkness is not part of your identity.

I repeat: darkness is not part of your identity.

It’s not part of who you are; it’s just something that gets inside you sometimes and won’t let go.

If it goes unchecked, it can consume you. It can make you behave like you’re somebody else.

But it is not a reflection of who you truly are!

The good news is, since we can choose to let it in, whenever we want… then by corollary, we can also choose to let it out. And to be healthy, you have to learn to let it out.

8. Boundaries are essential.

(I hate this one, but that’s because of my own misunderstanding and misapplications of boundaries for most of my adult life… just saying.)

You need to safeguard your sanity. You need to protect yourself from real harm.

You need to be in control of your responses, as much as humanly possible.

You need a safe container in which to learn, reflect, and grow.

But too often, we get confused about what boundaries even are. We think that to protect ourselves from harm, we have to cut “toxicity” out of our life… without ever realizing when we’re the one who’s making the person or situation toxic to us in the first place.

For example, I used to cut off friends who challenged me or made me feel uncomfortable. Even when friends or family would invite me out and I would say no, (and surprise, surprise, they stopped inviting me), I decided they were abandoning me when I needed them most.

I told myself they were toxic, that they didn't understand my struggles.

But looking back, most of them were just trying to help.

I was the one making those relationships toxic by refusing help, rejecting connection, and interpreting every offer of support as criticism.

I wasn't protecting myself from toxic people - I was protecting my trauma from people who might actually help me heal.

Which leads to number 9.

9. Not everyone who challenges you is your enemy.

In fact, most people are not. The darkness will try to convince you otherwise. But the darkness is a liar.

There are still more trustworthy people on the planet, than there are the other kind.

Patience, prayer, and discernment will help you know who’s who. Some people really do want to help you… and it is critical that you learn to let those people in.

But learning to trust the right people, and maintain healthy boundaries, requires a great deal of dedication. In order to do it well, you have to be at your personal best.

You can't do it when you're falling apart. When you're exhausted and overwhelmed, your judgment gets cloudy and everyone feels like a threat.

Which is why:

10. Basic self-care is essential when you're in the darkness.

It feels pointless, but it’s actually not.

We were put here to learn, and to grow. You can’t do either one of those if you’re just barely surviving. You have to take good care of yourself, and your family.

You can’t ignore your health; not physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual.

Perhaps some of the things we do to survive won’t matter as much after we’re dead. They still matter now.

Do the things that will keep you alive today — even on the days you don’t want to! — so you can be ready to learn and grow tomorrow. Because tomorrow always comes, and with it, comes the light.

Yes, this world will always have darkness. But it also has light. And when you take care of yourself today, you make room for that light to find you tomorrow.

And when you’re adequately prepared for it… when you’re well rested… well fed… when your mind feels sharp… and your heart is open…

When you’re ready for good things to come into your life again…

Tomorrow can be glorious.

It can hold all the promises you’ve been waiting for.

Resource: The Daily Foundation Checklist

When you're in the darkness, basic self-care can feel impossible or pointless. This simple checklist helps you focus on just the essentials - the minimum daily actions that keep you alive and ready for tomorrow's light.

The Non-Negotiables

(Check off what you can manage today):

□ Nourishment: One real meal (not just snacks or caffeine)

□ Hydration: Water throughout the day

□ Rest: 6+ hours of sleep, even if it's broken

□ Movement: Any physical activity, even 5 minutes

□ Connection: One genuine interaction (text, call, or in-person)

□ Breathing Space: 10 minutes alone without screens

Remember: You don't need to be perfect. You don't need to do everything. Some days, managing 2-3 of these is enough. The goal isn't excellence - it's staying alive and functional enough to be ready when the light returns.

On the hardest days: Focus only on nourishment and rest. Everything else can wait.

Save this checklist to your phone or print it out. When decision-making feels overwhelming, this list makes self-care simple.

Self-Reflection Worksheet

Finding Your Light Bearers

This week's newsletter talks about learning to distinguish between people who challenge you constructively and those who truly aren't safe. It also emphasizes how hard this is to do when you're depleted.

Take a few minutes to reflect on these questions:

1. Think of someone who has challenged or pushed you recently. Looking back honestly, were they trying to help you grow, or were they actually harmful? What does your gut tell you when you remove your immediate emotional reaction?

2. When you've cut people out of your life for being "toxic," can you identify a time when you might have been protecting your trauma rather than protecting yourself? What would it look like to reconnect with that person, if it feels safe to do so?

3. Consider your current state: Are you well-rested, fed, and emotionally stable enough right now to make good decisions about relationships? If not, what's one small step you could take today to better care for yourself?

4. Who in your life consistently shows up with patience, even when you're struggling? How can you let them know you value their presence, even if you can't always receive their help?

Remember: The goal isn't to have perfect judgment about people - it's to take care of yourself well enough that your judgment can function clearly.

Final Thought

I spent years believing that admitting I was struggling meant I was weak. That needing help meant I had failed somehow. The darkness convinced me that if I just tried harder, I could handle it all alone.

But here's what I know now: The strongest thing you can do is acknowledge when you're in over your head. The bravest thing you can do is reach out when you need support. And the wisest thing you can do is take care of yourself today, even when it feels pointless, so you're ready for whatever tomorrow brings.

You're not broken for struggling. You're human. And humans aren't meant to walk through this world alone.

This newsletter is meant to inspire hope as I share my own, unique journey toward healing.

Your story will look different from mine, and that's as it should be. Even though we're all on the same rock, each one of us has a unique path to follow.

I’m not a medical professional. The stories, insights, and advice I share are just that - stories, insights, and advice. They're not a substitute for professional help.

If you're struggling, please consult a qualified healthcare professional, or call the National Crisis Line at 988.

Please do not ignore your mental health — your life is too valuable.